


Crimes Against Fashion

by obscureliteraryreference (eponine_667), thisisaboutnotbeinginclass



Series: Avenging the Death of Style [1]
Category: Glee, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blogging, Crossover, Fluff, Gen, Multimedia, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Avengers (2012), Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 06:51:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12451947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eponine_667/pseuds/obscureliteraryreference, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisaboutnotbeinginclass/pseuds/thisisaboutnotbeinginclass
Summary: In which Kurt Hummel expresses PTSD in the wake of the attack on New York via fashion blogging, and Tony Stark is charmed.





	1. Chapter 1

**16 May, 2012 I just can’t keep it in anymore.**

This is the best fashion decision I’ve ever seen. And I used to work for Vogue Magazine*.

*Before this asshole and his pet aliens turned our office building into flaming rubble.

 

**20 May, 2012 Our friendly, neighborhood superheroes**

More photos are emerging from that day in New York, and honestly, there are no words for how grateful I am for what these people did that day.

My natural instincts compel me to immediately snark on their fashion choices (because, I mean, what.) But since they saved the city - and me, I was very lucky - I won’t. I will rise above, and be nothing but grateful, and make no comments about star-spangled tights or why the dude with the hammer looks like he’s wearing a stove on his chest. (Today, anyway.)

Besides, Edna Mode says it for everyone:

 

**21 May, 2012 omg no**

Hands up if you felt personally victimized by the size of the Hulk’s dick.

 

**21 May, 2012 Crying shame**

What’s with the dad-khaki, people? I’ve seen this man in a skin-hugging superhero outfit - this poor tailoring is a crime.

I’m not saying he needs skinny jeans, they’re not everyone’s thing, but at least a nice ass-hugging boot-cut, I mean, for god’s sake

 

**22 May, 2012 Helloooooooo**

Gotta say, I appreciate all of the choices these two heroes are making. Red Haired Lady looks amazing, and she kicked all the ass that day.

I don’t really get why the guy uses arrows, but I’m very into his costume. And his arms in his costume. And the way the costume just...reveals all of his arms. What?

 

**22 May, 2012 For reference**

 

  
**24 May, 2012 People are following me**

Of all the things to go viral, you pick this blog? Why?? Humanity worries me.

 

**24 May, 2012 Fine.**

Whatever. Follow away! Warning you now, though, all I am ever going to do is talk about fashion and superheroes I’d like to sleep with. I might offer the occasional insight into musical theatre or martial arts videos on YouTube, because they are my additional specialties, but it’s mostly gonna be fashion and guys.

You might also like to know that I’m writing all of this from the safety of my bed, in my tiny bedroom, in the tiny apartment I share with three other people, and I have yet to go outside this week.

Watching aliens invade my city kind of messed me up. I wasn’t at ground zero, but I was close. I choose to process my terror with anonymous commentary and sarcastic comments about clothes.

 

**25 May, 2012 With all due respect**

I mean, I don’t know who this guy is, Captain America or whatever, but if he wanted me to reward him for all his hard work, I would.

I wouldn’t even criticize his flag-themed outfits while peeling them off his lovely body, and coming from me, that’s really saying something.

 

**27 May, 2012 Does it breathe, though?**

 

I’ve always wondered. I mean, it’s a metal suit, it’s not fabric, and it’s really bad for the skin to be contained like that for long periods without proper oxygenation. Surely there’s strategically placed vents? But I’ve heard it goes underwater, so vents wouldn’t work? Is there a filtration system? (Where??)

(I’m not going to talk about how I last saw metal in those colors on possibly the douchiest sports cars that came into my father’s tire shop. Probably that’s the point, given Mr Stark’s...everything.)

 

**6 June, 2012 Who the hell are these guys?**

Like, I kind of want someone to explain this to me… But then again, I’m far too afraid to ask.

The suits, the codpieces, the HAIR. I don’t even care about why that one guy looks like a terracotta hulk, I want them to explain WHY THEY’RE DRESSED LIKE THAT.

  
**7 June, 2012 Tony Stark, or, When Awful Shoes Happen to Heroic Billionaires**

First, Mr Stark, thank you so much for not letting anyone nuke New York. That’s something I and many of my fellow New Yorkers genuinely appreciate. I also appreciate the fact that you're donating so much of your own cash to the reconstruction of the city. Anyone who says any of it was your fault is full of shit, in my opinion. I can imagine how much worse things would have been if you and the others weren’t there.

Secondly, I should admit that your personal fashion choices have been something I’ve marveled at privately for years. Marveled at, despaired at; you’ve inspired a wide range of emotions in my fashion conscious heart.

In light of these two things, I will attempt to be constructive. Mr Stark, if you swapped the ties around, ditched the glasses, fixed the tailoring on the blue number, and wore something other than sneakers (on the red carpet, omg you have to stop) these looks are very acceptable. Who doesn't love Vivienne Westwood?

(But you didn’t, did you? So they’re not. They’re really not. )

(Edited to add: and now I know who is partly to blame:

 

**9 June, 2012 Miss Potts must put up with a lot**

 

A few things:

  1. Miss Potts is sheer perfection.
  2. Mr Stark looks...okay. I guess. I mean, I’ve seen worse. The waiter-ness of the coat is off-set by the eurotrash tie and hair, at least.
  3. Is this the weirdest Mom-and-Dad photo ever, or what? I feel like Mom is fighting laughter because of something I just said to Dad about his facial hair and visible midlife crisis, and Dad is trying to remind himself that I’m his offspring and he can’t kill me.
  4. …’Or what?’ might be that I’m mistaking murder eyes for bedroom eyes, and thinly veiled laughter for thirst? Cause there’s elements of those things in this photo, too. (I am a confused person, okay? I was almost blown up last month.)



  
**10 June, 2012 Seriously. Those arms.**

 

 

**11 June, 2012 Why**

Wow.

Mr Stark, that shirt, with that tie, with this suit, is a horror. You owe us all an apology.

  
**14 June, 2012**

I have a new job. There are no words to describe how depressing it is.

I’m trying to focus on gratitude. For example, none of my family live in Manhattan, and none of my friends who do live in or near our fine city were killed. And I AM grateful, I truly am.

But am I also bitter that my career has, through bad luck and missed connections following the fight, been completely derailed? Sure.

At least this is still New York. I just have to remember that someday soon, I can make a new start.

 

**18 June, 2012 The lord is testing me**

When you have as much money, talent, fame, and access to stylists as Tony Stark, I believe it is your moral duty to DRESS BETTER.

I can tell that this is going to provide strong competition for my actual nightmares, in terms of ‘what’s giving me insomnia’ tonight.

 

**20 June, 2012 Is it just me?**

...Seriously, one of them is a clone, right?

 

**21 June, 2012 Hmmm**

Does Tony Stark have some kind of terrible eye condition no-one knows about? There has to be a reason for the red lenses. (He doesn’t think they actually look GOOD, does he?)  
  
At least we finally have definitive proof that the answer the age-old question ‘does his hair look sexier pushed back?’ is a resounding yes.

 

**23 June, 2012 Credit where credit’s due**

THIS is beautiful:

Beautiful suit, good shoes, very acceptable hair. I mean, the bar is low, but I’m not going to let the terrible purple nerd glasses keep me from acknowledging that this man and this suit are two tastes that taste great together. And it’s PURPLE. I mean, who’d’ve thought I’d approve?

But I do. A+, Mr Stark. Well done. (Please take off the terrible glasses.)

 

**24 June, 2012 Aaaaand the dream is over**

****

Just like that, we’re back to a whole world of NO.

The frustrating thing is, some of these pieces would be fine in a different outfit. The shirt’s a good color for Mr Stark, the tie is fine, and if you tailored the pants properly and removed that horrible jacket and THOSE SHOES so they could both be ritually burned, maybe the look would work. I guess it goes to show that fashion is as much about the overall combination of things, as any one piece.

It also clearly proves that money can’t buy taste (unless you LISTEN TO YOUR STYLIST).

Sorry, Mr Stark. Try again.

 

**25 June, 2012 I TAKE IT BACK: STOP TRYING**

nooooooooooooooooooooo  
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

What has Germany done to deserve this?? I mean, well, yes, THAT… Okay, so what have MY EYEBALLS done to deserve this??

 

**27 June, 2012 Glasses again**

****

Do you think there’s anything I could offer the delectable Ms Potts so she’d do us all a favor and dispose of all of Mr Stark’s terrible glasses? Throw them out of a plane over the ocean, perhaps? Wait, no, I’m anti-littering. Elevator shaft?

I mean, the rest of the outfit isn’t great - I’m not sure about the fit of the suit, and that tie is a cliche - but THE GLASSES.

Ugh. I am so glad I can’t see what shoes he’s wearing.


	2. Chapter 2

**BLOG INBOX**

**25 May, 2012. You have 165 new messages**

…

ur dumb

Omg I love this!

Hey kid, dig your blog, keep up the good work! TS

This is so gay. Your going to hell.

How dare you imply that Captain America would accept any ‘payment’ from you. He is a national icon, he isn’t gay and he deserves your respect.

...

 

**9 June, 2012. You have 1116 new messages**

…

Kid, I am wounded. Sure, Pepper puts up with plenty, but she and I have a very reciprocal relationship. Also: I remember that photo, and it was more ‘thinly-veiled rage’ at the photographer, than bedroom eyes. That’s Pepper’s ‘angry but hiding it for good PR’ smile. Gotta run, TS

...

 

**20 June, 2012. You have 1174 unread messages**

...

You know what, kid? You might be onto something. I’ll check it out and let you know. TS.

...

 

**21 June, 2012. You have 1256 unread messages**

...

RUDE. And as for that picture on the right, that was years ago! Everyone was wearing their hair like that, it was the early 2000s, I had a moment of weakness and abandoned my goatee because my girlfriend at the time convinced me that look was more ‘natural’. She was a contortionist, I was very susceptible. TS

...

 

**23 June, 2012. You have 1354 new messages**

...

Thanks, doll, glad to finally meet with your approval. TS

...

 

**25 June, 2012. You have 1403 unread messages**

...

I would explain the German thing, but my AI informs me you’ve never even replied to even one of my messages! I am wounded, kid, Pepper loves this blog. TS.

...

 

 

 

  
  
**4 August, 2012 So apparently there’s an inbox function on this blog platform**

I was told there wasn’t, but I just checked my email’s spam folder and found a billion notifications.

To all the people who love the blog: Why thank you! So kind.

To all the people who wrote messages on the general theme of ‘How dare you be gay, you’re going to hell’: Get over it, honey. a) Nothing I haven’t heard before, b) it’s not like your half-baked protest can STOP me, and c) get a life. Yawn.

To all the people who hate me/this blog for non-phobe-related reasons: Why are you even bothering to comment? There’s a whole Internet of *gasp!* OTHER STUFF out there, people. Go someplace else.

To the one guy pretending you’re Tony Stark: This amuses me. Continue!

 

 

 

**> >To Kurt’s Phone**

10.01am  
Yeah, except I really am Tony Stark. Hi

10.13am  
Oh come on, I know you’ve seen the message, the little tick thing is on.

10.13am  
Seriously, kid, say hi back, it’s polite.

10.14am  
I’m in a board meeting and I’m boooooored. Your blog is entertaining, entertain me.

_10.18am  
How the hell did you get this number? How do you know about the blog?_

10.18am  
Uh, because I’m Tony Stark? Frequent subject of your cruel fashion criticism?

10.19am  
That sub-blog you made, about the fashion mistakes I made in my 20s, I saw that this morning. Kind of a low blow, kid. No-one should be held responsible for the things they wore when they were doing as much coke as I was at that point in my life.

10.24am  
...Too much info? Kid, answer me!

_10.31am  
Go away. You’re not Tony Stark, I don’t know how you got this number, but I’m not going to talk to stalkers._

10.31am  
Okay, 1, not a stalker, 2, actually Tony Stark.

10.32am  
[selfie.jpg]

_10.33am  
...That could be fake. There are thousands of pictures of Tony Stark on the internet. And if you ARE Tony Stark, does that mean you just took a selfie in a board meeting??_

10.33am  
Reverse image search it, baby. It’s the real deal. And I’ve done way worse things in board meetings, no-one even noticed. SO, I repeat: Hi!

_11.42am  
Why are you messaging me?_

12.27pm  
Because the blogs are so cute. No, seriously, they’re so catty and adorable, I love it.

_12.27pm  
I’ve done nothing but criticize you!_

12.27pm  
Untrue. You liked the purple thing.

_12.28pm  
Yes? I did?_

12.28pm  
And you know, that whole thing about thanking me for the nuke? That was nice of you.

_12.29pm  
It was true! It was the least I could say! You saved everyone, it was amazing._

12.29pm  
Anyone would have.

_12.30pm  
Now THAT’S not true._

12.31pm  
Okay, not ANYONE because not everyone can fly. But I do think anyone would have done it.

_12.32pm  
I disagree, Mr Stark (if you even are Mr Stark) and you can’t convince me otherwise. Not everyone would risk themselves the way you do._

_12.32pm  
This is so bizarre. Are you really Tony Stark? Maybe I fell asleep at work again._

12.33pm  
You fall asleep at work?

_12.35pm  
Not actually. But I can auto-pilot this job so easily, it’s like my brain falls asleep and my mouth just keeps saying ‘Yes, sir, coming right up, yes, ma’am, I’ll get the manager for you, no, ma’am, there aren’t anymore in the back, yes, ma’am, you can pull off that pantsuit, it looks amazing.’_

12.35pm  
Yikes.

_12.36pm  
You have no idea. But it pays the rent (barely) and it’s the kind of unchallenging I need in my life right now._

12.36pm  
Yeah, I saw on the blog, you mentioned some nightmares?

_12.37pm  
Insomnia. Trouble dealing with the fact that aliens are actually real and very, very terrifying up close._

12.37pm  
Sorry.

_12.38pm  
It wasn’t your fault! You and your team saved me that day. And I’m sure both my dad and I are very grateful that I’m even still alive enough to have insomnia and complain about working at the Gap. So I do have perspective about it._

12.39pm  
Still, I’m sorry.

_12.40pm  
Thank you. I’m sorry too - what you did that day must have been terrifying too, to say the least._

_12.55pm  
I don’t mean to pry. We can talk about something else?_

1.01pm  
Jeez, kid, you’re actually polite, it’s not what I expected.

1.01pm  
But yeah, new topic. Tell me all your thoughts on Tom Ford’s latest, I am considering some new suits for fall.

_1.02pm  
...Do you have any idea what you’re getting into, asking me that?_


End file.
